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The Merits Of Mischievous Mind-Candy

I have no “to-do” list and I don’t own a “Blackberry”. Furthermore, I have no need for “power naps” and I don’t do “power lunches” (unless I’m wearing my tiara, holding my sceptre and handing out titles to members of the realm who probably don’t deserve or desperately need them).

Alright, I must confess I do own a cell phone. But, I don’t know how to program the blessed thing with all my favorite telephone buddies. And, what makes matter worse, I haven’t got a clue about the hottest dating device known (to men and women naturally) — text-messaging.

So, how does one go about choosing mischievous mind candy (you know, the sweet, sticky stuff that tickles the imagination and adds a few more calories and carbohydrates to one’s already hyperactive cerebellum)?

Well, take a word like “slob” for instance. It’s a short, four-letter word that covers a multitude of sins, (also a four-letter word that leaves the drawbridge down and the door wide open for interpretation).

Anyway, “slob” lacks shall we say colourful vibrations. In fact, one could say it probably leaves both the user and the recipient in an indubitably bleak state of mind followed closely behind by a complete loss of libido.

So how to bring a spark of interest back to a noun like “slob”? (Note: “Slob” should not be confused with another four-letter word, “slog” as in the verb ‘to toil’ like witches do, ‘to labour’ as rock stars do, or weź kredyt ‘to work’ like a dog …like the rest of us do.)

The answer lies perhaps in tossing the tasteless term into the trashcan, (now stop snivelling …it’s just for one day). Why not take another word out for for a test drive? After all, you’ve got lots to choose from.

In case there’s no handy-dandy dictionary nearby, here’s a luscious list of light-hearted love handles to use (besides “pig” or “hog” instead of “slob” to describe your boss, best friend, or long-lost relative Aunt “P”).

— Abbey-lubber, Afterling,
— Bawdstrot, Blob-Tale,
— Daggle-Tail, Draggletail, Dustman, Drassock, Drossell,
— Fleak, Fonkin, Fopdoodle,
— Hoddypeak,
— Mudlark, Mumper,
— Porknell,
— Ragamuffin,Runcy
— Srubbado, Slattern, Sloven, Slop, Snollygoster,
— Tatterdemalion, Tosspot, Tramp,
— Walking Mort, Wallydraigle, Wallower, Whifling, Whipperginnie,
— (and last but not least one of my favorite’s), the Yammering Yokel

Remember, mind-candy doesn’t come with any money-back guarantees – so you might want to use your new-fangled words with care, so as to avoid becoming addicted to them or being bopped over the head by someone with a bigger bumbershoot and a better dictionary than you!

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